the davinci code? 454/105=4.3

Yeah, I'm a year late getting there, but since I'm unemployed, I figured this summer would be a good time to read some fiction... a rare event for me. After spending 1600 pages or so catching up with the Harry Potter series, I picked up my wife's copy of "The DaVinci Code". I ask you... what the hell kind of 400 page book has 100 chapters? Dan Brown seems to think readers don't have patience to worry over a puzzle that isn't resolved within 4 pages. I'm so-far unimpressed.

I suppose one positive to Brown's writing style is that I can make significant progress through the plot every time I go to the john.

Perhaps I should line up some "classics" for the remainder of the summer instead.  (posted by Dave at 10:01 AM || )

  i think once i got some brownies...

There has been discussion on one of my Wife's mom-talk-groups about end of the year gifts for teachers. It seems some ClassMothers are taking up collections asking for as much as $20 from each student in a class of 20. Do the math, folks... that's $400!!! Four hundred fucking dollars for a teacher gift?? Shit, I taught High School in the fucking HAMPTONS for 4 years... I never got a fucking $400 present at the end of the year.

Of course... my students didn't really like me very much. That could have been a factor.


  (posted by Dave at 9:06 AM || )

  money for nothing...

Even though I have a job starting on July 1st, we decided I should probably try to apply for unemployment in the meantime... just on a whim, really. So I called today. Next Wednesday I'm supposed to call them back and they'll send me my first check. Just like that! They send me MONEY!

I'm now officially suckling at the teat of the welfare state! I'm a leech feeding off the blood, sweat, and taxes of hardworking Americans!! AND IT FEELS GOOD!!


  (posted by Dave at 10:57 AM || )

  oh...umm... hi...

We went to a pool party today for my daughter's Girl Scout troop. There were the 6 girls, and assorted younger and older siblings and parents with whom I had to make small talk all day. (Yay.) There was also one girl who was older than the rest who was playing around with them and generally supervising the younger kids, but who clearly was not a sibling of any of them (Hint: six Girl Scouts, white... older girl, black.) The mystery was solved when her Mom finally came by to pick her up, and turned out to be none other than Jackie the "Power Yoga" teacher from the Y.

Jackie has filled in for my regular yoga yeacher a few times. Jackie is a Pusher. As in... you'll be doing some pose and stretched out to your limit and she'll walk up behind you and physically PUSH some part of you even further, and you just kinda go... "Oh! Ok... WHOA...OW!" That's alright... Who needs ligaments anyway?

Anyway, it took us a second to recognize each other out of workout clothes. Can I just tell you how strange it is to have someone show up in a social context who has had her hands on your ass in a professional context?

Very.  (posted by Dave at 12:04 AM || )

  good ear...

I was watching Letterman on the TiVo this morning, and Ian was spinning on a Sit-n-Spin in the middle of the living room. Not 60 seconds into the segment with Dave's first guest, Ellen Degeneres, the boy stops spinning and pipes up with...

"Ah. Me. Watch. Finding. Nemo??"

Coincidence? I think not.  (posted by Dave at 10:51 AM || )

  coming to a galaxy not so far away...

A NY Times article published yesterday is reporting that the US millitary is about to start seeking permission to build space-based weapons systems. The best quote from the article...?

General Lord said such problems should not stand in the way of the Air Force's plans to move into space. "Space superiority is not our birthright, but it is our destiny,"

Holy crap... "General Lord"? Sound like anyone you know??


  (posted by Dave at 11:45 PM || )

  because inquiring minds want to know...

The beloved Mimi Smartypants wrote in her blog yesterday regarding the question of washing one's hands after using the restroom, and whether or not it was really, strictly speaking, necessary. The post included the following curious statement...

You don't touch anything in there other than toilet paper and flush-handle. (Well, girls don't. Men, do you have to handle the johnson in order to pee? I am not familiar with Male Pee Procedures.)

I was somewhat shocked that an adult woman would be unclear on such a simple matter, so I decided to set her straight this morning via email. I include the essay below for the benefit of my other curious female readers...

Of Course You Don't Have To Touch It Mimi!

First of all, it is important to note that a Men's room is entirely covered in porcelain from floor to ceiling with a big drain in the middle. It's like being inside a giant sink, really... so it's not necessary to aim.

To begin, you need to get everything out in the open. As you know, the penis naturally seeks out light... so all you have to do is unzip your fly, and out it comes! There is no handling necessary!!

Next, there are The Straps. You see, if the penis simply hangs there, you may just pee on your shoes, or worse - your pants leg... So there are straps hanging from the ceiling, like in a subway car. That way you can hold onto a strap and leeeeeeeean waaaaaaaaay over so that the stream descends at a more favorable angle.

Then there is the issue of residual dampness and lingering drops afterwards. This is where the Hot Air Penis Dryers come in. You may have seen hot air dryers in Women's restrooms used for drying hands. These Men's Room appliances are very similar, only they are mounted at waist height, and the air is somewhat cooler, as you can well imagine. At very fancy hotels and restaurants, there may be an actual Human Penis Dryer right there in the Men's room to assist you. (A tip is customary.)

Finally the penis must be returned to the pants. This can be accomplished by a rapid and vigorous squat.

So as you can see Mimi... a trip to the Men's room involves NO HANDLING OF THE PENIS WHATSOEVER!! I hope this clarifies things for you.  (posted by Dave at 10:52 AM || )

  helpful parenting tip...

If a half-hour-long screaming-crazy-berzerk-tantrum-fit ALWAYS results in a four-hour nap...? It might not be such a bad idea to get him that pissed off every day!!  (posted by Dave at 4:57 PM || )

  and it's SO OBVIOUSLY what Hasbro planned...

Anyone present at the local Target this morning would have witnessed the amusing spectacle of a 35 year-old supposed adult trying to talk a 2 year-old child INTO buying a number of Star Wars Galactic Heroes preschool toys.

Adult: Check it out, it's like a space-rocket-plane with a robot and lasers.
Child: I. Don't. Know...
Adult: How about this... look, it's Chewbacca!!
Child: I know Chew... Bacca!
Adult: Yeah. So.. what do you think? Do you want Chewbacca.
Child: Chew...Bacca... pwetty... CWAZY!
Adult: Look, do you want these toys or should I put them back?
Child: You. Put. Dem. Back.
Adult: Ok... no toys for you today.
Child: No. Toys. Fo. Me...
(pause)
Child: Toys. Fo. Daddy??
Adult: No... apparently not...

Maybe I can convince my daughter to want them.  (posted by Dave at 4:37 PM || )

  general update...

I just had a fairly crappy weekend (I'll spare you the details, or rather, I'll spare myself the task of writing OUT the details) and now It's leading directly into the dreaded semi-annual stressfest known as The Week Of Grading. My online class (which was an unmitigated disaster, I might add) just wrapped up and now I have a week to grade 24 term papers, and review 300 discussion posts and figure out some way to assign grades to them. Should I have thought about that before now? Shut up.

So that's the kind of week it will be.

In other news, no news on the house. We had a nice Indian family come by and look at the place. They really liked it (having just looked at houses ourselves, you can definitely tell) but the father said it was too big and a little out of their price range. Yeah, well... so was the house we just bought in NY, chump... make us an offer.

In moving news, we donated and/or gave away our big faded, cat-scratchy sleeper sofa and loveseat. Meaning... we tried to donate them, but when the truck came to pick them up, the guy said they couldn't take stuff with scratches on it because it wouldn't sell. (REJECTED!! BY THE POOR!!). So he took the old computer desk and left the receipt, but the receipt still said sofa/loveseat on it. Aha! So we gave them away on "freecycle" and we're still going to write them off on our taxes.

Nobody who works for the IRS reads this weblog, do they?? IT WAS MY WIFE'S IDEA!!  (posted by Dave at 10:38 PM || )

  really... which is worse...?

I saw a news story today from the Telegraph in the UK stating that a study revealed that...

"Hospitals are dirtier than food factories, Patricia Hewitt, the Health Secretary, suggested yesterday as she acknowledged the extent of the MRSA crisis."

And of course, the immediate reaction to that is - "Yeech!" Of course, that's only until you realize that, had the headline been - "Food factories have more germs than hospitals" - your reaction would have been EXACTLY THE SAME!!!  (posted by Dave at 10:36 PM || )

  price for dave's "will-to-live"...? $629...

We had our yard sale yesterday. Next time I have a yard sale, the first thing I'm going to do is set up a table full of watches and clocks. This is so when people come at 6:30 in the morning while I'm setting up to ask "Do you have any fishing tackle?" or "Do you have any collectible spoons?" I can say, "NO but I do have some quality watches and clocks... and they all keep perfect time... see? They all say SIX-FUCKING THIRTY!!! Come back in an hour and a half when the yard sale actually starts and they will say 8:00 and you can BUY ONE since you are clearly MISTAKEN about the hour of the day."

In other news... do you have any idea how hot it can feel in Alabama at 9:30 in the morning?? I swear, 9:30 in the morning and I'm wearing sunscreen and sweating and the Sun is beating down from directly overhead like I'm in the Saraha at noon on the solstice and I'm on the ground crouching in the shade of a loveseat like Gollum under a rock. "The Yellow Face! IT BURNS US!!!"

Anyways... we've still got a vanload of rejected items to haul to the Goodwill, and we need to call someone to get these damned sofas, but overall... a successful and fairly profitable purge. It's funny, when having a yard sale, you frequently have the thought - "God, I can't believe people will BUY this CRAP". That is until you realize - "Wait a minute... WE bought this crap!"  (posted by Dave at 5:25 PM || )

  suspend thy disbelief, ian...

Ian just watched "The Jungle Book" for the first time. The whole movie went like this...

"Takking Effants! Daddy! Yook at dem! Takking bwack CHEETAH! (that's a panther, buddy) Yook at it, Daddy! Takking MONKEYS!!

Dude - ALL THE ANIMALS TALK!! GET OVER IT!!  (posted by Dave at 10:29 AM || )