anxiety reversal...

You know the dream. The one where you're in college and you realize that you have a final exam for a class you haven't attended all semester, but you forgot to drop it, so you have to take the exam or you'll get an F. It's weird enough that I've never met a college graduate who hasn't had that dream - not just once, but fairly frequently. And well after you graduate... I had it just a few months ago. It makes me wonder what "universal-anxiety-dream" humans had before college was invented. ("Oh, no... the mammoth hunt is this weekend and I forgot to carve my spear!!)

Anyway, last night I had the official professorial reversal of that dream, which is to say... I dreamt that I was teaching 2 online courses, and it was final exam time, and I just realized that I had forgotten to post anything to one of the online courses since midterm, and that I was going to have to just make up a grade for all the students or something.

Isn’t it nice to know that anxiety knows no boundaries of age or status?



  (posted by Dave at 7:51 AM || )

  fall back my ass...

So the clocks go back an hour tonight. I always have to stop and think about what that means..."Hmmm... let's see... that means, like... 1:00 becomes 12:00 again, so... the hour between 12:00 and 1:00 happens TWICE so you get an EXTRA hour of sleep."

Of course that's what it USED to mean. Before I had kids, that is. Now it means... "Hmmm... so, that means at 5:30 when the youngest wakes up, the clock will now say 4:30, but that won’t matter because THE LITTLE BRAT CAN'T TELL TIME!!"

So this means... what? I lose TWO hours of sleep? I don’t know.

All I know is, it means we'll be screwed up for days between this and staying up all night Tuesday watching election returns, whilst getting drunk in celebration/disbelief/horror.

  (posted by Dave at 8:34 AM || )

  we may mock the ballot boxes on the camels, but...

The preliminary election results are in from Afghanistan, and it looks like Karzai is the clear winner. No surprise there, really. But I was surprised when I read this...

According to the official election Web site, 98.4 percent of the votes had been counted as of Tuesday afternoon.
Karzai had 55.5 percent of the votes, 39 points ahead of his closest rival, former education minister Yunus Qanooni. Karzai must win more than half the votes to avoid a runoff.

So, apparently Afghanistan has adopted a system whereby if there are more than 2 candidates and the winner only achieves a plurality rather than a majority, then they have a run-off election between the top two candidates. Which would mean that Afghanistan has an electoral system that makes more sense than ours!!

Makes you feel proud, don't it?

  (posted by Dave at 9:59 AM || )

  lip syncing and gang violence...

So, I just watched the clip of the Ashlee Simpson SNL debacle. Silly. Actually, as a musician, I find myself focusing on her "band". Losers! I think I'd rather be playing in dive-bars in Cleveland than performing on Saturday Night Live if it meant backing up some no-talent lip-syncing 16-year-old. Good for them for keepin' on playin' though. No matter what happens... never stop playing.

It's like the time I was filling in on bass for my brother's band when they got booked at a get-together sponsored by motorcycle-enthusiasts organization known as the "Rough Riders", and halfway through the party a dozen guys from "The Pagans" showed up with baseball bats and big sticks...

Ok, it's nothing like that.

But we just kept on playing.

  (posted by Dave at 9:46 AM || )

  bowling for blowhards...

We TiVo'd "Bowling For Columbine" off of the Sundance channel this week, and I think I've come to the conclusion that Michael Moore is an asshole. I think he thinks he's being "provocative". When I click on my thesaurus in Word, it gives synonyms for provocative like "challenging", "stimulating", and "thought provoking". But if you look at the dictionary definition, it says...

pro·voc·a·tive adj
1. deliberately aimed at exciting or annoying people

It is only in this negative sense that Michael Moore is provocative.

His logic is convoluted. His narrative is non-existent. His concern is disingenuous. And his films seem to be more about HIM than whatever "issue" they pretend to be exploring.

Not that any of this will stop me from renting "Fahrenheit 9-11", but I don’t expect to have any reaction to it more complex than annoyance.

PS: In other liberal blowhard news... I tried to watch The Al Franken Show the other night? TORTURE!!
  (posted by Dave at 9:46 AM || )

  like children scolding adults with paintbrushes...

I don't know what it is about the Japanese, but somehow they can turn a simple anti-smoking poster campaign into something beautiful and poetic.

  (posted by Dave at 3:59 PM || )

  we went to the state fair today...

... because lord knows there's nothing in the world Dave enjoys more than a prize-winning fancy chicken.

  (posted by Dave at 1:08 AM || )

  maybe bush isn't so bad after all...

I only learned of the Constitution Party a few weeks ago. Check out this endorsement of their presidential candidate Michael Peroutka from "The American Conservative" magazine...

"As president, Michael Peroutka would end federal intervention in education, cut off federal funding of Planned Parenthood and homosexual activist groups, withdraw from NATO, the UN, NAFTA, WTO, the World Bank, and the IMF. He would seal our borders, cancel the George W. Bush-Vicente Fox treaty to pay Social Security benefits to illegal aliens who have returned to Mexico, expel illegal aliens, end all foreign aid, withdraw from Iraq, oppose the Patriot Act, fight all forms of socialized medicine, and appoint only judges who are 100 percent against abortion. Peroutka would abolish the IRS and replace the income tax with a revenue tariff. He would recognize the threat posed by Communist China and rebuild the U.S. Navy, which has dropped from 600 ships under Ronald Reagan to fewer than 250 today.

[...]
A vote withheld from both the Democrats and Republicans weakens that which is wrong and strengthens the cause of that which is right. Any vote cast for constitutionally sound, Biblically based policies hastens the day when, should God will it, we can witness the restoration of the Republic. It is not for us to decide elections, but rather to determine where we shall invest our precious franchise. God alone determines the outcome, and He blesses those who trust in Him."

Tell me that's not the scariest shit you have ever heard. If that's their OFFICIAL platform, can you imagine what their HIDDEN agenda is?? Fuck...

  (posted by Dave at 8:23 PM || )

  na-no-wri-mo...

The particularly nerdy among you may be aware that November is "National Novel Writing Month". It's a very cool project, and as much as I love the IDEA of NaNoWriMo, I don't really think I have 50,000 words of fiction IN me. It's no problem for me to churn out 2000 words of SCIENCE in a day - maybe I should start my own project... "NaNonFicMo"!

  (posted by Dave at 1:17 PM || )

  what it has come to...

Every so often I'll hear a bit on the radio or read an article online counting down to the election..."The Presidential election is only 18 days away"... "With just 15 days remaining until the November 2nd election"... "When Americans go to the polls just 13 days from now"... and every time I hear it I get a little knot in my stomach... a little sinking feeling... It's a feeling somewhere between creeping dread and outright terror. I'm scared.

I'm literally scared what might happen to this country of Bush gets elected and starts slapping right-wing wackos onto the Supreme Court. Not to mention the invasions of Iran and Syria in 2006. At least there will be lots of kids praying for us in public school, in between their Abstinance Only Sex Ed class and their Creation Science Lab.

I have always been "concerned" about the outcome of elections, ever since I was old enough to vote... but I've never been actually afraid before. I'm seriously considering ordering a Swedish Language audiotape collection, so I can get a jump-start on the language before we move. Better public schools, public healthcare system, longer life-expectancy, cooler furniture, and all the salmon you can eat. Sign me up.

Dave

(PS: If any of you people living in a "swing state" vote for Ralph Fucking Nader in two weeks and I swear I will PERSONALLY track you down and kick your ass. Tell you what - you vote for Kerry and I'LL vote for Nader, since my vote doesn't count for CRAP here in Alabama anyway.)  (posted by Dave at 3:35 PM || )

  these people need to run away FROM the circus...!

Yesterday we went to the circus. I know... that sounds exciting. You have no idea. Because this was no Ringling Bothers, my friends... oh no. This was the Cole Brothers Circus!!

If you ever get a chance to catch the Cole Bros. Circus, do not... I repeat... DO NOT miss it. This is what you have to look forward to.

1) Bored, and possibly arthritic tigers.
2) Irritated Mexican clowns
3) Dancing dogs and kitties jumping through hoops
4) The finest acrobats that Central and South America have to offer
5) A Brazilian dance and acrobatics troupe featuring a dozen women who fall into the following categories -

a) 6 women who look like out of work Broadway-types
b) 3 women who look like out of work strippers
c) 2 women who are a little on the largish side for "acrobatics"
d) 1 woman who is very likely actually a MAN.

That's not even to mention the 47-year-old Ukrainian cannonball woman, two Japanese guys juggling on horseback, and various low-budget Cirque de Soliel ripoffery.

Oh god was it funny. The only thing that WASN'T funny about it were the clowns! (We all hate clowns. Don’t you?)

Anyway. I was reluctant, but it turned out to be much more fun than a "real" circus would have been. If Christopher Guest needs ideas for his next movie, this troupe could well be inspiration for the "Spinal Tap" of circus folk!
  (posted by Dave at 4:34 PM || )

  next stop? reader's digest!

When I turned 30, it was National Public Radio... all of a sudden - no more music on the radio, just NPR. And then this week I turned 35 and the very next day I find myself at a newsstand buying a copy of The Economist for fuck's sake. THE ECONOMIST?! I mean... really, what the hell?

But in my defense, this month's issue has a really in-depth "election guide" with balanced, thoughtful, well-written articles on all the issues.

I know, becuase I heard about it on NPR.
  (posted by Dave at 11:48 AM || )

  let it WHAT...?

Jennifer told me yesterday that she read an article in the local paper announcing that this December, the city is going to rent some snow-making machines and turn the local minor-league baseball stadium into a "Snow Park", where your kids can pay $6 each to come ride sleds and build snowmen and what have you.

I can't imagine they can pay for the cost of running a snow-making machine all winter at six bucks a head. It seems a little silly. But I guess it's the only chance for kids around here to get to play in the snow, so I suppose lots of people will take advantage of it. Let's just hope HE doesn't get wind of it!

Dave

  (posted by Dave at 10:42 AM || )

  obligatory..

I feel like I should post something this morning - probably something about the debate, but I really don't feel up to it. Suffice it to say that it was more of the same and the pundits will declare it a tie, even though Bush still sounds like a fucking autistic parrot, the way he just repeats himself over and over again. And no matter what question you ask him, he talks about "No Child Left Behind", because it's HIS ONLY FUCKING DOMESTIC POLICY OF ANY KIND.

I'm done talking about it. Bush is going to win, because people are stupid and the Republicans have mastered the art of talking stupid talk that stupid people can understand. "It's not the government's money, it's YOUR money! No child left behind! Tax and spend! (As opposed to DON'T tax, but still spend) TERR'R! TERR'R! TERR'ISM!" I'm fucking through with democracy. Are there any resonably benevolent dictatorships I can move to?

d.  (posted by Dave at 10:16 AM || )

  dave gets all political... again...

So it looks like the Supreme Court is going to hear two cases on the constitutionality of displaying the Ten Commandments on government property. This should be fun. I just don't see how any decision is possible save - "NO". I mean… really… Take a look at #1 from document "A" and #1 from document "B"

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

Now. Come on. I have no problem with Commandments 5-9, say… but #1-4?? How can you not read the two sentences above and not say - "Yup, seems to be a bit of a conflict in purpose there!" It doesn't take a long black robe to figure that one out.

People are fucking insane. If there is a God, I blame Him.

  (posted by Dave at 2:24 PM || )

  and one other thing...

What is WITH the fucking WINKING?? Did you catch Bush winking at people in the audience?? That is just fucking CREEPY. I can't imagine anything looking less "presidential". This isn't the Yale frathouse, Georgie... it's a fucking nationally televised presidential debate.

What a chucklehead.



  (posted by Dave at 1:04 PM || )

  debate...

The consensus among the pundits seems to be that Bush did better in the second debate than in the first. While that's not saying much, I'm still not sure I agree. He was frequently borderline hostile to the questioners and the moderator alike. His attempts to brush off his performance in the last debate with "humor" ("Listening to that almost makes me wanna SCOWL - heh-heh") hit the floor with an embarrassing, laughless THUD. For the first 15 minutes all he did was repeat sentences from the last debate - verbatim. He continued to try to portray Kerry as waffling even when Kerry's position was perfectly clear, saying things like - "Wow, I'm sitting here trying to decipher all that". (That's because you're an IDIOT, Mr. President.) My favorite line of the night was when Bush said that some piece of information was "Out there on the Internets". (Really? How many "Internets" is it on?) He also once referred to his opponent as Senator Kennedy, which I found amusing.

I dunno - like I said, I'm clearly not most voters, but I don’t know how anybody can look at what these two said last night and not appreciate Kerry's thoughtful, reasoned answers to questions like the one about "partial-birth abortion" as opposed to Bush's - "Look, you're either for it or you're against it." approach to every issue, as if there is no such thing as a shade of grey - as if its impossible to support the spirit of some piece if legislation while disagreeing with one of its provisions or the details of its funding.

I worry that the Republicans will win the spin war over the next week - they have simply MASTERED the art of saying things over and over until they become true. One of Bush's cronies was making the rounds last night - some woman from his campaign - saying things like "I think Kerry looked irritated and angry". WHAT?? You can't DO that! You can't just say what people said about YOU last time, and turn it around on the other person... it just ....UGH... it makes me so MAD. It's like a fucking 7 year old... "I know you are, but what am I?" I watched the debate, and Kerry was usually SMILING or NODDING during Bush's responses. And he certainly didn’t talk all over the moderator like Bush did - even when Charlie Gibson was trying to give Bush more time, Bush argued with him. He just doesn’t LISTEN... it was ridiculous. He did it at least 3 times.

Anyway, for the next debate, I'm making up a set of "Debate Bingo" cards. Last night I had a lot of fun predicting the use of phrases as the question was asked. When somebody asked Bush about the Supreme Court, I said - Oooh "strict constructionist"! Say "strict constructionist!!" He did. Other phrases for the bingo card - -

wrong war, wrong, place, wrong time
9/11
nook-yoo-lar
Tora Bora
weapons of mass destruction
Vietnam
global coalition
win the peace

I'll post the full list so you can all play along.  (posted by Dave at 1:02 PM || )

  dave's tv-land…

Thursdays have just become 12 hours of sitting in my office, screwing around all day, waiting until I can go home and watch Survivor. It's not even that GOOD this season, but that doesn't matter… it's SURVIVOR!

Episode #3 of "Lost" aired last night. Nothing happened. Character development, pfft! I WANNA SEE A DINOSAUR! Or at least Chaka.

Tomorrow night is the debate. Gotta buy some popcorn.

This weekend, my wife is very excited about football, of all things. She graduated from the University of California at Berkeley, and it turns out that Cal is actually ranked #7 this year. As a result, ABC is airing it's game this Sunday with #1 USC nationally. So I guess I get to watch the kids while she watches football on TV. You may all commence mocking me.

Two other TV notes…

1) The only thing that SUCKS about having a TiVo is watching a program that is several weeks old and seeing "previews" for things that have already happened, and that you missed.

2) There are a lot of shows on TV nowadays that are "almost funny". Two and a Half Men has a lot of funny lines, but I wouldn’t call it "funny", or even a good show. And that new Jason Alexander show makes me laugh, but I don’t think it has anything to do with the writing. I think if you made Jason Alexander yell the text of this blog in his little trademark irritated voice, it would be just as funny.

Dave


(** Doing a Google image search for the word "Chaka" was fun. You get pictures of Zulus, low-budget TV apemen, Chaka Khan, and as an added bonus, a picture of two hot French girls putting makeup on one another. I can't explain that last one.)

  (posted by Dave at 10:12 AM || )

  Bush quote...

"In Iraq, Senator Kerry has a strategy of retreat,'' Bush said in a speech in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. "I have a strategy of victory.''

Gosh, wouldn't it be nice to have a President who actually knew what the word "strategy" meant?

"Victory" is a GOAL, Mr. President... not a strategy.

Gosh honey, our finances are awfully tight this month - how are we going to pay our bills?" "It's ok, dear... I have a strategy of MONEY!"  (posted by Dave at 5:10 PM || )

  thou shalt not lose weight…

My tennis clinic was rained out yesterday, dammit. I swear there is some all powerful Force in the universe that does NOT want me to get into shape. It's the same all-powerful, all-seeing Force that reaches down and turns on the "Hot Now!" sign every time I drive past the Krispy Kreme.

Hey, speaking of "The Force" - I tried to get my 5 year-old daughter to watch Star Wars with me the other day. What a failed experiment THAT was. The second the Stormtroopers burst through the door of Princess Leia's ship and started firing their lasers all over the place, my Daughter muttered under her breath… "This is WAY to boy-ey."

Guess I have to wait another 4 years for the Boy. If he lives that long. He got me up at 4:30 AM again today. I think it's time to start spiking his bedtime drink with Nyquil.

What else? Oh yeah, the VP debate. I dunno… I thought it was pretty boring. And even though it seemed to be more "substantive" in a facts-and-figures kind of way, it somehow felt less SUBSTANTIAL. There was a lot more personal "poke-poke-poke" going on, and nobody ever seemed to quite answer the question that was posed to them.

Low points - The question about AIDS and black women in America. Wow. I don’t know how neither of them split the crotch of their pants they both "sidestepped" that question so wide. It was pretty clear that neither of them was prepared to talk about AIDS in the U.S. at all.

But the thing that bothered me the most was John Edwards assertion that "I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman." Bullshit. You lie. There is NO WAY that a fairly liberal Democrat who is also a LAWYER believes that. There is NO WAY that you as a lawyer who spent years defending people's legal rights can possibly believe that. It makes me mad that Democrats think they have to be so fucking moderate and centrist in order to get elected. It makes me even madder that they are probably right.

Anyway, I don’t think the debate amounted to much at all. I don’t think anybody will be able to spin it into anything meaningful before Friday's Presidential debate. It'll be interesting to see how W. does in this one… what his handlers have him do differently. This one is the "Town Hall" style one, I think. I guess that means he'll trot out his fake Texas cowboy aw-shucks regular-guy persona. Do people really buy this? And do people really WANT that? I just don’t understand people. I heard an interview with John Stewart on Fresh Air on NPR last week where he said, as soon as people start running for President, all of a sudden they want to try to pretend they are "just like us". Is that really what we want? Somebody who watches 12 hours of TV a day? If that were the case, why don't *I* run for President? I want a President to come out and say "I'm better than you. I'm smarter than you. I'm more engaged than you. I'm more educated than you. That's why I should be President."

And really - Is this not the case? Shouldn't we be picking the smartest fucking people on the planet to run the government rather than C students and bodybuilders? I just don’t understand people. And I know it's because I'm NOT most people - as evidenced by the fact that I sit in the car and listen to "Fresh Air" on NPR… I know that. But still… it makes me fucking crazy.

  (posted by Dave at 10:46 AM || )

  game, set, match - wall…

I 've been meaning to get back into tennis for quite some time. There is a big public Tennis Center here that has $7 clinics on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, but I didn’t want to go there and make a complete ass of myself - not having picked up a racquet in 6-7 years, so I wanted to go hit some balls around first, just to make sure I had some trace of muscle memory that would allow me to get a ball over the net. So last night after the kids went to bed, I went out in search of a court with a "practice wall" I could hit against for an hour or so. It took me three tries to find a place, I finally wound up at the big pubic Tennis Center where the clinics are held.

I have to say - I think the wall won.

Well, maybe I'm being a little hard on myself. I got something resembling a forehand stroke back eventually. I couldn't hit a backhand, but then again - I could never really hit much of a backhand before. My legs held up fine - I credit yoga for that. But cardiovascularly? Yeah. Fuck. I guess the good thing is that I can get the same work out in 40 minutes that used to take me 2 hours!

Still, it felt kinda nice to "work out" again. I could definitely get into doing that once or twice a week. It would be even better if I could find someone to hit with. There were a few posts on the bulletin board there, but most of them were from 3.5 - 4.0 level players, which I am NOT. (I was maybe a 3.0 when I played regularly. I don't think I'd even score 2.5-level now, though.) Maybe I'll meet somebody at the clinic.

So, my morning yoga today was a bit perfunctory. Stretching out those "worked-out" muscles feels really different, not bad… just different. But I was too tired to really get into it this morning.

The big news from Yoga class yesterday is the my instructor is pregnant. Which is nice, I suppose. All I can say is - If she can still do a standing forward bend better than me when she's 8 months pregnant, I fucking QUIT.

  (posted by Dave at 9:38 AM || )

  quick recaps...

I'm really far too busy writing about the Dead Sea Scrolls today to spend a lot of time blogging, so here is a quickie...

SURVIVOR: Both J.P. and Mia were REALLY starting to get on my nerves, so - yay for the Tribal Council doubleheader.

DEBATE: Kerry was reasonably concise, and Bush didn't make an ass of himself, so... nothing much to talk about. Bush sure does believe that saying the same thing over and over again makes it true, though - doesn't he?

Kerry: I have had once consistent position, and it is this - (explains consistent position)
Bush: Well, that's fine except that his position keeps changin'.
Kerry: My position on the war has always been this - (explains position again)
Bush: Well, the only thing consistent about that position is how it keeps changin' *smirk* Heh-heh.

Jackass.

While there were no "deer-in-the-headlights" moments, there were some long-blinky-pauses that came close. (Highlighted nicely by the Daily Show later that night, I might add.) And my wife commented that he looked consistently dyspeptic during the reaction shots, while Kerry was speaking. Kerry certainly did a better job of not looking smug and irritated while the other guy was talking.

I will give "W" props for not going negative on Kerry even when given a free pass by Lehrer to take some shots at Kerry's "character". His response to that question showed more class than I expect from him. (Although he's got plenty of cronies working that angle all the time, so it's an easy ploy for him to appear "above" it, I suppose.)

The only thing encouraging about the evening was a little panel on NBC afterwards revealing that 6 "undecided" voters thought that Kerry "won" the debate. Whatever, undecided voters. I guess they liked his tie the best.  (posted by Dave at 11:20 AM || )