and he spake unto them, saying...

There shall be a Great Dying upon the land. For I am called Ortho, the Destroyer, and I shall lay my vengeance upon all those who displease me.

And fear of the Armageddon fell upon all those who walk upon six legs

And you shall find no comfort in the back yard, nor in the front yard, nor along the driveway, nor in the shade of the pear tree, for His wrath is great, and His vision is wide, and a Gallon of this stuff doth go a long way.

And so their anthills were laid waste, one by one. And Ortho, the Destroyer looked on, and was pleased.

But still there were some who defied him. And he spake unto them saying...

If thou shouldst maketh thineselves into a long line, and proceedeth into His house to feast upon the morsels of Blue’s Clues Macaroni which falleth upon His floor - This shall be an Abomination unto Him

And he shall rain Black Death upon thee from the can that is called “Raid”

And ye shall writhe upon thy back on the floor of His kitchen and beg for His mercy

But no mercy shall you receive.

( the Book of Ants I: 10 – 18)

  (posted by Dave at 3:56 PM || )

  one down...

I convinced Jennifer to take Ian with her today when she took Katie to dance class. As a result I had some time alone, and I managed to get one of my classes completely graded and the final semester grades submitted.

I would say I’m 1/3 done, except that this class had 7 students and my other two have 20.

Still... it feels good to have that sense of “completion” – minimal as it may be.



  (posted by Dave at 1:57 PM || )

  a hairpin poilicy, indeed...

Are they outsourcing the writing of spam to schizophrenics now? (From yesterday's mailbox...)

Bug oligarchy doesn mow folded mode correct project default must kind
category problems flopping didn create matter cherish few checks h mode
pc. Probably multiplicative one is dealnews event costello good dealing
can folds doing colonnade fantasist as current being bush another fixed at
puissant. Number january alias is but your number rib newcastle etc. And
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message basic good gt meta sidetrack macromolecular being aviary. The back
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macromolecular for network going do of re ibid forums dadaism int instead.
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functions resign haven edwin massage everyone list have old go undo.
Network gt puissant on the why found fantasist i let better but other
dealnews bumblebee n. Local mine probably check him my gone the current
mean earthmoving cherish appall might lot folded in automated thanks edwin
abutting it denigfrate. There continuo must at previous from behest
general but after for ipfw what able. From eastward fine daniel mean for
but of freemen behalf calls thursday lot general back balfour search
manual another bravo mow available. Or again in an make h does folded
found history metrowerks the back memory need gone guide yuck why on can.
Always stockpile search consanguine most h. Mow if bush least news bolt
childish wharton basic behest gt mine again been please like open seat.
Changes already matt iterator aflready folded doesn gt pessimism cleanup
against of there smaller me dreamlike html it. Complexion event format
from information good bit bush bit cried access it are uri check cite app
smattering committee do. Files article an ancestry t because wednesday etc
groups might there arpeggio empathy fine know am a hairpin policy.


  (posted by Dave at 1:55 PM || )

  dope, phat, freaky-fresh rhymes on the train...

(7:38 AM) There are these two young black guys on the train who were talking a while ago, but now the one guy is just staring out the window talking, and I can’t really hear him very well, but I assume he’s “freestylin’” because I hear an awful lot of rhymes, and somehow it sounds like he’s making it up. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s a real song... who knows? Anyway, several times I heard him rhyming ”wack rap” with “knapsack”.

And while I’m not so white as to be unimpressed with freestyle rapping as an fascinating skill, I can’t help but wonder... “knapsack”?? Who the hell says “knapsack” anymore??

What’s the next line? Something involving “flapjacks” perhaps?



  (posted by Dave at 9:09 PM || )

  humanzee...

I caught a bit of this show on the Discovery Channel today that creeped me right the fuck out. It was about “Oliver: The Humanzee” – this weirdass fucking chimp with a small head and a hairless face who walked as bolt-upright as you or me. There were some who speculated that Oliver was a human/chimp hybrid. Apparently the genetic similarity between chimps and humans is on par with that of horses and donkeys. Which means that even though the number of chromosomes aren’t even the same, it’s not out of the question biologically that you might be able to breed a sterile hybrid. (Like a mule, or a “liger.”). There was even some nut who claimed that they DID produce one in the 1920’s at Yerkes Primate Lab, but they euthanized it after a couple of days. I KNEW those nuts were doing more than teaching sign language to gorillas!!

Anyway, by the end of the show they determined that Oliver was NOT, in fact a humanzee. He’s probably just a weirdass mutant chimp with really good posture.

He still freaked me out.

  (posted by Dave at 10:18 PM || )

  the 100 most mediocrest songs ever...

I love those “list” shows and magazines. Top 100 Movies, 50 Best Albums... all that crap. They always make me mad, but I like playing “predict the top 5.” I’m usually pretty good. For example – Comedy Central recently ran a “100 Greatest Stand up Comedians” thing, and Jennifer said – “Ok, who’s number one? Robin Williams? Bill Cosby?” I said, “No brainer – Richard Pryor.” She said – “Ugh, I don’t think he’s funny.” I said – “Neither do I, but if comedians did the voting, #1 will be Richard Pryor.”

It was.

So imagine my excitement when the TiVo picked up VH-1’s “Best 100 Songs of the Past 50 Years.” Now that’s a tough one, because it eliminates all the classic rock’n’roll that usually monopolizes those lists. Number one can’t be the Beatles or Elvis. So... what will it be? My money was on Michael Jackson... probably something from Thriller... probably “Beat It.” Well... “Billie Jean” was #2, but the entire rest of the Top 20 was utterly and completely befuddling. Example...

The 11th best song of the past 25 years?

Van Halen – “Jump”.

Huh? “Jump” isn’t even the best VAN HALEN song of the past 25 years. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Other songs in the Top 20 included Def Leppard’s “Photograph” and Sinéad O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 U”

Number One? “Smells Like Teen Spirit”

Jesus. I mean... I know the past 25 years haven’t exactly been the heyday of rock and roll, but they didn’t suck so badly that we have to admit that only a dozen songs have been better than “Photograph” by Def Leppard, and that the best song of the past two decades consisted of 4-chords and a heroin addict screaming nonsense lyrics.

  (posted by Dave at 9:02 AM || )

  sexual identity crisis... a true story...

So today I’m walking down the street and a see this guy coming towards me with long, blonde rock-star hair... I mean this guy is really hot.

And then as I get closer I realize it’s not a hot, long-haired rocker guy... it’s actual a very flat-chested dyke in a flannel shirt. She was still hot, though.

Now I’m really confused. Does this make me gay or a lesbian now??

  (posted by Dave at 2:59 PM || )

  white trash momma...

We came home from an afternoon of shopping on Sunday to the sound of whoops, hollers and profanity over the back fence. Apparently they were having some kind of cookout at the White Trash House.

Jenifer: “Oh isn’t that nice, they’re having a little get-together to celebrate Mother’s Day”

Dave: “Well, you can’t blame them for being excited. It’s probably a much less confusing holiday for them than Father’s Day.”


  (posted by Dave at 7:19 AM || )

  primatologists unite...

A warning to parents regarding seemingly innocuous ABC books...

If you’re shopping for an ABC board book or a “My First Animals” book for your toddler, I have a little hint for you. Open it up and turn to the “M” page. There you will often find a picture of something professing to be a monkey. But frequently it is NOT a monkey. The picture in the board book is clearly, unambiguously a chimpanzee. And if you purchase your child this book, you run the risk of turning your child into yet another stupid adult who doesn’t know the freaking difference between a monkey and a chimpanzee!!

(Like, for example, everyone who works at the damned publisher who allowed this book to escape containing such a glaring error.)

It simple, people. Chimps are APES, not monkeys. The great apes – gorillas, orangutans, chimps, and some would say, humans – do not have tails. They are also a good bit bigger than monkeys. It drives me nuts.

If I were a primatologist, I’d be writing some fucking letters.

As it is, I just come here to vent about such nonsense.
  (posted by Dave at 2:04 PM || )

  nightmares...

My dreams on Sunday night ranged from “alligator-infested swamps” to “old-west-style gunfights in my house” to “piles of cats-on-fire”. Don’t even fucking ask me. I checked the web today to see if one of the side-effects of my allergy medicine was weird-ass dreams. It doesn’t seem to be.

Ian is down to only waking up once or twice during the night instead of 3 or 4 times. I’m wondering if my brain is going nuts what with all the extra REM sleep it’s not used to. Woo-hoo! Uninterrupted sleep! Time to get funky!

Please... stop... brain. Will you stop... please?

  (posted by Dave at 7:29 AM || )

  (cut to shot of grass growing...)

I’ve been seeing previews lately for a supposed summer blockbuster called “The Day After Tomorrow”. It’s apparently a disaster movie about global warming.

Let me say that again...

A disaster movie about global warming.

And all I can think is... man, that’s gotta be one long fucking movie.

”Is it hot in here, or is just me?”

  (posted by Dave at 7:47 AM || )